Things are a bit clearer now

The whole grand picture has gotten clearer. I've been playing the whole "what if I'm not, what if I'm bi, what if I am really straight" game in my head. I read something that helped clarify the issue for me. It was just a phrase, but that one phrase made things so much more understandable. The phrase was something like "sexual fantasies don't have to be acted out". For some reason that was the piece that made everything else just click.

I realized that any thoughts I've had about being with men was more of a fantacy. Deep down in my soul I know I could never be with a man long term. But I can envision and feel myself being with a woman for the rest of my life.

It gets better

A few days after I read my paper to the class I got a letter in the mail. It was from the minister who was not at class this month. She let me know that the other minister told her about my paper. I was planning on having her read it anyhow. The letter was so very sweet and written in such a way that if someone else would happen to find it they wouldn't know what she was writing about. I immediatly sent her an e-mail thanking her for the letter. She replied back telling me how proud she was and that she fully supports me. I saw her at the spiritual service last Sunday and it was like nothing changed between us. I saw a few of the people who I am out to and I am still the same person I was to them, but now they know a little more about me.

I stopped by the center Tuesday morning as I was walking home from my friends house. I had a really good conversation with her. In the past year and a half or so she has been one of my main go-to people when I've needed to talk or I just needed a really good hug or two or three.

I did it and they are going to throw me a PARTY

One of the assignments we had last night was to list each others strengths and weaknesses. After we wrote our answers we handed them to our teacher and she compiled them and gave us a copy (in her handwritting so we didn't know who said what) this morning. One of the comments I got was "needs to be honest with herself." Well, I took care of that one.

Reading our spiritual leader papers was the last thing we did for the class. I was a nervous mess. I thought about bringing out my Ben and Jerry's paper more than once. But I knew if I did that I would be kicking myself for a very long time. So after quite a bit of internal freaking out I read my paper about Ray Boltz.Everyone, including myself, had tears in their eyes and I got lots and lots of hugs. My teacher looked at me with her trademark look and said "thank you". It's a long story, but she knew I was struggling with this. It was the assignments she gave me during a private session with her that helped me become more comfortable and able to come out.

At the next class they are throwing me a coming out party complete with balloons and Ben & Jerry's ice cream. I couldn't have asked for a better response.

Reaching out

Those who know me well know that I am one of those people who does not like to ask for help. But now I am reaching out. I am seeking help and support from those who have also been in my position of coming out. I am also asking for the help and support of my leadership classmates and teachers (who I THINK are all straight but very GLBT friendly), for they are very close friends of mine.

I also e-mailed the organizers of the local Pride festival and found out about a support group. It's going to be so refreshing to be able to live out in the open and maybe find that special someone.

I finished my paper on Ray Boltz for leadership class this weekend. One of my classmates will not be there so I e-mailed her a copy of the paper last night. I have not heard from her yet. I'm a little bit on edge.