Things are a bit clearer now

The whole grand picture has gotten clearer. I've been playing the whole "what if I'm not, what if I'm bi, what if I am really straight" game in my head. I read something that helped clarify the issue for me. It was just a phrase, but that one phrase made things so much more understandable. The phrase was something like "sexual fantasies don't have to be acted out". For some reason that was the piece that made everything else just click.

I realized that any thoughts I've had about being with men was more of a fantacy. Deep down in my soul I know I could never be with a man long term. But I can envision and feel myself being with a woman for the rest of my life.

It gets better

A few days after I read my paper to the class I got a letter in the mail. It was from the minister who was not at class this month. She let me know that the other minister told her about my paper. I was planning on having her read it anyhow. The letter was so very sweet and written in such a way that if someone else would happen to find it they wouldn't know what she was writing about. I immediatly sent her an e-mail thanking her for the letter. She replied back telling me how proud she was and that she fully supports me. I saw her at the spiritual service last Sunday and it was like nothing changed between us. I saw a few of the people who I am out to and I am still the same person I was to them, but now they know a little more about me.

I stopped by the center Tuesday morning as I was walking home from my friends house. I had a really good conversation with her. In the past year and a half or so she has been one of my main go-to people when I've needed to talk or I just needed a really good hug or two or three.

I did it and they are going to throw me a PARTY

One of the assignments we had last night was to list each others strengths and weaknesses. After we wrote our answers we handed them to our teacher and she compiled them and gave us a copy (in her handwritting so we didn't know who said what) this morning. One of the comments I got was "needs to be honest with herself." Well, I took care of that one.

Reading our spiritual leader papers was the last thing we did for the class. I was a nervous mess. I thought about bringing out my Ben and Jerry's paper more than once. But I knew if I did that I would be kicking myself for a very long time. So after quite a bit of internal freaking out I read my paper about Ray Boltz.Everyone, including myself, had tears in their eyes and I got lots and lots of hugs. My teacher looked at me with her trademark look and said "thank you". It's a long story, but she knew I was struggling with this. It was the assignments she gave me during a private session with her that helped me become more comfortable and able to come out.

At the next class they are throwing me a coming out party complete with balloons and Ben & Jerry's ice cream. I couldn't have asked for a better response.

Reaching out

Those who know me well know that I am one of those people who does not like to ask for help. But now I am reaching out. I am seeking help and support from those who have also been in my position of coming out. I am also asking for the help and support of my leadership classmates and teachers (who I THINK are all straight but very GLBT friendly), for they are very close friends of mine.

I also e-mailed the organizers of the local Pride festival and found out about a support group. It's going to be so refreshing to be able to live out in the open and maybe find that special someone.

I finished my paper on Ray Boltz for leadership class this weekend. One of my classmates will not be there so I e-mailed her a copy of the paper last night. I have not heard from her yet. I'm a little bit on edge.

Jesus called, he wants his religion back

I have a bumper sticker on my vehicle that says "Jesus called, he wants his religion back". I got it because of this very thing. Many, if not most, Christians are not living their lives according to what Jesus taught/preached/lived. This is the main reason I broke away from the traditional church. I found a group of people who, without subscribing to a particular religion, live more like Jesus than any other group I've ever been a part of. I have never felt more loved and comfortable in my own skin. They make it ok for me to be who God created me to be.

Bold and gutsy move

The news a few weeks ago about Ray Boltz coming out has really got me thinking.
I am taking a leadership class that leads to ordination as an interfaith minister. For homework we were told to write a 3 page paper about a spiritual leader. The spiritual leader could be anyone. The assignment was to be presented the first weekend of September but class got canceled so it will be presented next weekend instead. I originally wrote my paper on Ben and Jerry (of the Ben and Jerry ice cream fame), it was safe and fun, but I was not satisfied with the way the paper turned out. Now, I think I am going to write my paper on Ray Boltz.

I was talking with one of my classmates via facebook chat and told her I was thinking about changing my paper. Without knowing the story behind it she gave me some very good ideas on how to integrate my reason for changing the paper with Ray's story as well as bits of my own.
I am a bit scared and fearful. I'm not quite sure why because I know everyone (all 5 of us plus three teachers) in my class is very accepting of ALL people.

I made a commitment to myself when I started this class that I was not going to do the assignments just to get through the class. I promised myself I would give it my all. So, I had to really think about that Ben and Jerry paper and if I presented it would I really be giving my all? Hmmm, makes me think about some lyrics of Rays "What if I give all I have?What will that gift do? My child, a gift like that could change the world"

This wouldn't be the first bold and gutsy thing I've done recently. A couple days ago I walked away from a job that was robbing me of my health and sanity from the stress. So outing myself to my classmates should be easy right?

I think this is what they call a LIFE!

I was woken up at 6:45 am by a phone call for a temp job. YEAH!!! It was good, but my phone fell out of my purse and is still in the cupboard in the classroom. Oh well, life happens. I can always get it in the morning.

After work I had a massage that was just fabulous. I have my accupuncturist who I see when I have having physical issues other than just muscles. I have my massage therapist who I see if I really need some knots worked out. Now, I found the person who is REALLY good for relaxation. Lots of long, firm, and repetitive strokes, just the way I like it!!

The massage happened to take place in the same building where my "church" is so I decided to wait around for a bit to tell my teacher about doing that thing I didn't think I could do. When she got done with her last session for the day I walked into her office and said "Do you remember that Jesus CEO question that said 'if i had the courage I would...' and I answered quit my job." She turned around, looked at me, got this big grin on her face and said "you really quit your job!?!" She was so excited and happy for me. Everyone I told is happy for me.

After that I went to my now ex-job and handed in my security card and got my stuff out of my drawer. I said good-bye to a few people and they were quite shocked but totally understood. Then I went and had a celebratory root beer float at my favorite coffee shop (which happens to be run by lesbians). I hung out there for a while and ended up going for a mile walk in dress shoes (note to self: not a good thing to do).

I think this is what they call a LIFE

You must do the thing you think you cannot do.

During my leadership class 6 weeks ago we listened to a book on tape titled Jesus, CEO. One of the questions that was posed was along the lines of "What would you do if you had the courage." The first thing that popped into my brain was "Quit my job to pursue other interests."

The past few weeks at work have been VERY difficult with being sick and a bad case of insomnia. I was constantly having to violate my ethics and morals. My soul was screaming at me a long time ago that this job was not for me. Now my body is rebelling with high blood pressure, rapid heart rate and heartburn. When it came time to go to work I felt that sinking feeling in my gut and it took so much effort and energy to drag my butt into work. So, last night I did the thing I didn't think I could do, I QUIT!! Yup, I'm done. I am going in today to sign whatever paperwork I need to sign, turn in my security badge, and clean out my drawer.

I filled out a ton of applications yesterday and even had an interview with a second interview scheduled for Friday. I have a felling that I will be employed again on Monday, maybe even before then.

Now Clay and Lindsay

We're everywhere. Now Clay Aiken and Lindsay Lohan have officially come out.

My question is, why did it take so long for Clay to come out? NOBODY is supprised at the news.

And then there is John McCain's cheif of staff who just came out.

Why is it difficult to tell the ones we care about most?

My best friend and I went out to breakfast this morning. She knows something is bothering me. I just couldn't do it, I couldn't tell her. I do not do well with the face to face thing. I am really good with online chat or e-mail. Why is it so difficult to tell someone you care about very much something that is such a big part of your life? It's not like she is going to change her opinion about me. I know she is still going to be my best friend and lunch buddy.

So tired

I've only slept a very restless 9 hours in the past 2 days. None of the sleep was over 2 hours at any one time. My body just won't let me sleep. Not even the drugs let me sleep.

I think I can officially say I am having one of my really bad cases of insomnia. I've almost totally cut out caffeine and it's even storming outside (my favorite sleeping weather).

I'm taking a few proactive measures to calm down and relax. I've got the accupuncture/massage happening at noon. Before that I am going to go do some meditation.

When I finally do drift off to sleep I enter in that really vivid dream state. One time I was yelling at my mom trying to get her to believe something. This was a passionate please believe me type of yell. Then I've had a series of dreams where I was faced with big decisions. I don't remember the circumstances, but I remember the theme. It's 8:14 am right now, I am going to try to get some sleep.

Observation

I made a personal observation tonight. As I was deeply closeted I had very few friends and very few resources. Now that I am starting to open up to my truth, and not just the lesbian part, I have more friends and more resources.

Tonight I was hurting, my heart physically hurt as I went to my church to celebrate the Fall equinox. And wouldn't you know one of the main points my minister made tonight was about having an open heart. We then went through a labrynth. I've been very very good in the past about keeping my emotions bottled up but tonight I started letting them out. I needed to release some of that energy. I did the labrynth twice and found it very healing. After we were done we were instructed to leave in silence. I was getting ready to go when I saw my minister and asked for a hug. She was the first person I came out to. We hugged for a long time and I was able to just cry. For those who know me well they know tears do not come easily, especially when I am around other people. But I have found a place where I have been able to start to heal.

Tomorrow I am going to see a dear friend of mine who does accupuncture and massage. She knows how to read my physical and spiritual body so well, I always get exactly what I need without telling her anything. Then Thursday I am getting a massage from a woman who is a member of my spiritual community. I've never had a massage from her before but I just get this feeling from her that I'll be able to just melt and relax. I'm not going to her to get knots worked out I am going just for the calming and relaxation. My blood pressure is telling me I need it. Right now what is speaking to me more is my head, it's pounding. I have a migraine from the lack of sleep. I took some drugs and I hope to sleep well tonight.

Sleep, or the lack thereof

I didn't sleep much last week and I thought I would be able to catch up this weekend. But, I guess it was not meant to be. I don't do well when I don't sleep and I have a full week of work ahead of me.

I need to get some more of this stuff off of my chest. I need to talk to someone, a real live person. I have someone I can call and talk to on Tuesday, possibly Monday.

Ray Boltz

When I was a teenager I listened to a Christian music singer by the name of Ray Boltz. There was a certain angst in some of his music that I related to. Well, now I know what that angst was, he is gay. Ray came out to the world as gay last week.

It does not suprise me, but it still saddens me to read all the hurtful comments from "Christians" about Ray's announcement. They think that if he prays harder or gets proper counceling (ie ex-gay therapy which is known to be harmful) he'll be cured. Those types of comments is one of the reasons I no longer associate with that brand of Christianity.

My history, part 3

(silly computer deleted several paragraphs, now I have to write this out again)



At the next leadership class I shared my assignment, but left some parts out as I was not comfortable sharing them yet. My spiritual teacher looked at me and told me to continue working on the assignment. I was not able to eat dinner that night. After class I found myself asking her "Where do I go from here?" It was hard, but I broke down and spilled my guts. I told her what I was feeling. I know to some it may sound bad, but her response can be summed up as "yeah, so what?" No big deal. I am still the same person she has always known. When I see her nothing is different. It's the best response I could have received.

I ended up chatting with one of my classmates on Facebook chat and I came out to her too. Once again, no big deal. As I shared my story she was able to share hers too. After that chat I realized that I had kept myself in my own self imposed prison. By keeping my pain to myself I was also not allowing someone else to tell their own story.

My history, part 2

About a year and a half ago I started exploring my sexuality and I could no longer deny that I was not attracted to men. I used to explain it away by saying that all the guys I met were jerks and I just had high standards. I also blamed it on the sexual abuse I experienced when I was 7. Even though I met some wonderful men, I have never been physically attracted to them. Now, I do have to say I have been attracted to some men but it's been on a non physical level. These men tend to be highly evolved spiritual beings. It was like an old soul connecting with another old soul.



I had come out to myself but quickly shoved myself back into my self imposed Ft. Knox. Then I got an assignment from my leadership class that turned my world upside down. I got an assignment to work out my sacral chakra. For those of you who don't know the sacral chakra is also know as the sexual and creativity chakra. Lo and behold as I started to explore this chakra these "issues" came up again. I decided I could not deny my feelings anymore, I am attracted to women. During this assignment I went to a study where the speaker was a MTF trans. This is where I felt some relief because I was finally able to put words to some of the feelings I was having. I have never fully identified as a female, but I don't have a desire to be male either. I learned that I can be both. But this also led to additional confusion. Was I bi?

My history, part 1

I live in Mankato, Minnesota and i am a lesbian. For several reasons I am not using my real name, yet. I am out to myself and three other people in my 3-d life. I am starting this blog to chronicle my journey out of my self imposed prison.

I grew up in a smallish town on the edge of the Twin Cities burbs. Through the religious tradition I was brought up in I was taught that sex before marriage was wrong and being GLB or T was even worse. So I had no problem being the good girl and didn't have sex. It was easy because I was never attracted to the boys. I always viewed this as I was such a good strong girl/woman that I was able to resist this temptation that seemed so strong for so many.

When I heard about gays it was always a man/man coupling. I don't remember ever hearing about same sex couples being women. This was also before the time when the internet was everywhere. A few years after high school I was exposed to lesbians and while I was very intrigued I was very much against it because of what I grew up with.

Even though I didn't know about lesbians growing up I was always fascinated by women's bodies. I was really fascinated by breasts. Of course I was curious about penises but once I saw one I never had the desire to see one in person ever again.