Things are a bit clearer now

The whole grand picture has gotten clearer. I've been playing the whole "what if I'm not, what if I'm bi, what if I am really straight" game in my head. I read something that helped clarify the issue for me. It was just a phrase, but that one phrase made things so much more understandable. The phrase was something like "sexual fantasies don't have to be acted out". For some reason that was the piece that made everything else just click.

I realized that any thoughts I've had about being with men was more of a fantacy. Deep down in my soul I know I could never be with a man long term. But I can envision and feel myself being with a woman for the rest of my life.

It gets better

A few days after I read my paper to the class I got a letter in the mail. It was from the minister who was not at class this month. She let me know that the other minister told her about my paper. I was planning on having her read it anyhow. The letter was so very sweet and written in such a way that if someone else would happen to find it they wouldn't know what she was writing about. I immediatly sent her an e-mail thanking her for the letter. She replied back telling me how proud she was and that she fully supports me. I saw her at the spiritual service last Sunday and it was like nothing changed between us. I saw a few of the people who I am out to and I am still the same person I was to them, but now they know a little more about me.

I stopped by the center Tuesday morning as I was walking home from my friends house. I had a really good conversation with her. In the past year and a half or so she has been one of my main go-to people when I've needed to talk or I just needed a really good hug or two or three.

I did it and they are going to throw me a PARTY

One of the assignments we had last night was to list each others strengths and weaknesses. After we wrote our answers we handed them to our teacher and she compiled them and gave us a copy (in her handwritting so we didn't know who said what) this morning. One of the comments I got was "needs to be honest with herself." Well, I took care of that one.

Reading our spiritual leader papers was the last thing we did for the class. I was a nervous mess. I thought about bringing out my Ben and Jerry's paper more than once. But I knew if I did that I would be kicking myself for a very long time. So after quite a bit of internal freaking out I read my paper about Ray Boltz.Everyone, including myself, had tears in their eyes and I got lots and lots of hugs. My teacher looked at me with her trademark look and said "thank you". It's a long story, but she knew I was struggling with this. It was the assignments she gave me during a private session with her that helped me become more comfortable and able to come out.

At the next class they are throwing me a coming out party complete with balloons and Ben & Jerry's ice cream. I couldn't have asked for a better response.

Reaching out

Those who know me well know that I am one of those people who does not like to ask for help. But now I am reaching out. I am seeking help and support from those who have also been in my position of coming out. I am also asking for the help and support of my leadership classmates and teachers (who I THINK are all straight but very GLBT friendly), for they are very close friends of mine.

I also e-mailed the organizers of the local Pride festival and found out about a support group. It's going to be so refreshing to be able to live out in the open and maybe find that special someone.

I finished my paper on Ray Boltz for leadership class this weekend. One of my classmates will not be there so I e-mailed her a copy of the paper last night. I have not heard from her yet. I'm a little bit on edge.

Jesus called, he wants his religion back

I have a bumper sticker on my vehicle that says "Jesus called, he wants his religion back". I got it because of this very thing. Many, if not most, Christians are not living their lives according to what Jesus taught/preached/lived. This is the main reason I broke away from the traditional church. I found a group of people who, without subscribing to a particular religion, live more like Jesus than any other group I've ever been a part of. I have never felt more loved and comfortable in my own skin. They make it ok for me to be who God created me to be.

Bold and gutsy move

The news a few weeks ago about Ray Boltz coming out has really got me thinking.
I am taking a leadership class that leads to ordination as an interfaith minister. For homework we were told to write a 3 page paper about a spiritual leader. The spiritual leader could be anyone. The assignment was to be presented the first weekend of September but class got canceled so it will be presented next weekend instead. I originally wrote my paper on Ben and Jerry (of the Ben and Jerry ice cream fame), it was safe and fun, but I was not satisfied with the way the paper turned out. Now, I think I am going to write my paper on Ray Boltz.

I was talking with one of my classmates via facebook chat and told her I was thinking about changing my paper. Without knowing the story behind it she gave me some very good ideas on how to integrate my reason for changing the paper with Ray's story as well as bits of my own.
I am a bit scared and fearful. I'm not quite sure why because I know everyone (all 5 of us plus three teachers) in my class is very accepting of ALL people.

I made a commitment to myself when I started this class that I was not going to do the assignments just to get through the class. I promised myself I would give it my all. So, I had to really think about that Ben and Jerry paper and if I presented it would I really be giving my all? Hmmm, makes me think about some lyrics of Rays "What if I give all I have?What will that gift do? My child, a gift like that could change the world"

This wouldn't be the first bold and gutsy thing I've done recently. A couple days ago I walked away from a job that was robbing me of my health and sanity from the stress. So outing myself to my classmates should be easy right?

I think this is what they call a LIFE!

I was woken up at 6:45 am by a phone call for a temp job. YEAH!!! It was good, but my phone fell out of my purse and is still in the cupboard in the classroom. Oh well, life happens. I can always get it in the morning.

After work I had a massage that was just fabulous. I have my accupuncturist who I see when I have having physical issues other than just muscles. I have my massage therapist who I see if I really need some knots worked out. Now, I found the person who is REALLY good for relaxation. Lots of long, firm, and repetitive strokes, just the way I like it!!

The massage happened to take place in the same building where my "church" is so I decided to wait around for a bit to tell my teacher about doing that thing I didn't think I could do. When she got done with her last session for the day I walked into her office and said "Do you remember that Jesus CEO question that said 'if i had the courage I would...' and I answered quit my job." She turned around, looked at me, got this big grin on her face and said "you really quit your job!?!" She was so excited and happy for me. Everyone I told is happy for me.

After that I went to my now ex-job and handed in my security card and got my stuff out of my drawer. I said good-bye to a few people and they were quite shocked but totally understood. Then I went and had a celebratory root beer float at my favorite coffee shop (which happens to be run by lesbians). I hung out there for a while and ended up going for a mile walk in dress shoes (note to self: not a good thing to do).

I think this is what they call a LIFE